I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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