rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
