im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
