Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
Randomize
