i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
