I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
