I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
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