i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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