I no longer want to be the gay that plays in the revolving door at RelationshipDale's like a seven year old with a.d.d.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
