all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Randomize
