I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
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