and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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