if only i could text you this smell
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
