Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Randomize
