wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
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