Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
3 2 1 whiskey
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
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