I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Randomize
