does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
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