My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Randomize
