bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
