Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
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