Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
Randomize
