You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
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