I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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