he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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