Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Randomize