I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
