i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Randomize
