its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
