Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
