i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
I use my feet as sexual weapons
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
