I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
Welp...herpes.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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