I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
Randomize
