Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
