dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
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