Christians are straight up FREAKS
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
