i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
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