you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
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