I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
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