i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
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