did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
btw my frat has a search out for you. the "girl who threw up in the middle of the party" but it was on some fat girls. so thank you.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
