dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
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