You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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