all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
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