we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
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