i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
my shit smells like andre
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
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