I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Randomize