Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
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