I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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