I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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