tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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