Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
It was confusing and full of hummus
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
