I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
