I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
True strength comes from lack of pants
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
We're hate flirting, damnit.
Randomize
