Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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